We all talk about boundaries. And maybe you have even been "boundaried".
Boundaries are meant to remove harmful or unhealthy behaviour from an existing and ongoing relationship so that the relationship may flourish! The purpose of boundaries is to enhance relationship, not to cut it off.
I think of it this way...
Boundaries affect Behaviour.
However, often what happens is people are punished with a disconnected or "cut off" relationship, and it's been called boundaries. That is not healthy, and it is not boundary-setting.
Let me give you an example.
When an adult child stops calling or seeing their parent because they are upset about something, they may punish that parent by cutting them off and expecting the parent will know why, and will expect the parent to know how to move forward or understand what steps to take to reconcile. The adult child may say to his friends, or even therapist, "I put up a boundary."
This is not a boundary. This is a punishment.
Think of a boundary like a fence set up around a very specific behaviour and the response to any boundary crossing is taken by the person setting it. Boundaries are not meant to control another person, but to make room for healthy interaction.
A healthy boundary would look more like this:
An adult child communicates with the offending parent and says, "When you call my spouse names, we will leave your home, or ask you to leave ours. I want a relationship with you that is respectful to my family. I will continue to reach out by text or phone call until you are willing to meet in person without calling my spouse names."
This is a boundary because it calls out a specific behaviour, it outlines specifically what will happen if that boundary is crossed, and it also clarifies what specific behaviour is expected. It also leaves room for continue relationship.
Boundaries allow for learning. If you think of an electric fence as a boundary, once you set it up, animals might bump into it a time or two, but eventually they will learn not to touch the fence. Soon you can turn off the electricity because the fence is a quiet notification of where the boundary line is.
Boundaries promote learning, promote relationship, and are completely carried out by the one placing the boundary.
Working with a coach will help you find ways to set healthy boundaries in your relationships, and to avoid inadvertently punishing others, or cutting off relationships unnecessarily.
